> Sex, dating, marriage, singleness, attraction—these are not side issues. They touch some of our deepest longings, wounds, and questions. Many Christians quietly wonder:
- “Is God’s design really good, or just restrictive?”
- “How far is too far when dating or engaged?”
- “Is singleness second-class?”
- “What do I do with my sexual past—or things done to me?”
- “How do I follow Jesus with my attractions and identity?”
- “Can I ever be free from pornography or hookup cycles?”
You are not alone. God is not surprised or embarrassed by your questions. He speaks with truth, tenderness, and hope.
We’ll walk through:
- God’s design for sexuality, covenant, and human flourishing
- Dating and engagement: discernment, pace, and boundaries
- Singleness as a full and honored vocation
- Healing from sexual sin, trauma, or regret
- Questions around sexual orientation and identity with pastoral sensitivity
- Pornography and hookup culture as formation, not just behavior
- Creating safe spaces for honest conversation in the church
- Recommended Christian books for further study
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1. God’s Design: Sexuality, Covenant, and Flourishing
From the beginning, sexuality is God’s idea—not the devil’s, not the culture’s.
“So God created man in his own image… male and female he created them.”
(Genesis 1:27)
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
(Genesis 2:24)
Sex as covenant glue, not casual entertainment
In Scripture, sex is:
- Covenantal: expressing and deepening the one‑flesh bond of marriage (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:4–6).
- Exclusive: reserved for the lifelong union of one man and one woman.
- Fruitful: open to the possibility of children and generational blessing (Genesis 1:28).
- Joyful: celebrated as a gift (Song of Songs; Proverbs 5:18–19).
Jesus affirms this design:
“Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female… ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?”
(Matthew 19:4–5)
God’s “no” to sex outside of marriage is not random; it’s a protective fence around a garden, not a denial that the garden is good.
Tim Keller puts it this way:
“Sex is a way to say completely to another person, ‘I belong wholly and permanently and exclusively to you.’ When used outside of that covenant, it becomes a lie.”
— Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage (paraphrased)
2. Dating and Engagement: Discernment, Pace, and Boundaries
The Bible doesn’t describe modern dating, but it gives wisdom principles.
Discernment: Who and why?
Ask:
- Are they in Christ? “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.” (2 Corinthians 6:14)
Missionary dating is emotionally understandable, but spiritually risky. - Are they growing, not just claiming?
Look for patterns of humility, repentance, service, and teachability. - Can we help each other follow Jesus more faithfully?
Marriage is not just romance; it’s partnership in discipleship and mission.
Pace: Don’t let physical intimacy outrun clarity
Proverbs warns against hastiness (Proverbs 19:2). In dating:
- Move slowly enough to see character over time.
- Let prayer, counsel, and shared life guide your sense of readiness.
- Beware of letting intense emotions or sexual chemistry make decisions for you.
Boundaries: Guarding hearts and bodies
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality.”
(1 Thessalonians 4:3)
Helpful questions:
- What physical affection stirs us toward sexual arousal we cannot rightly fulfill yet?
- When and where are we most tempted (late nights, alone in private spaces, in bed, etc.)?
- Who knows our boundaries and can gently ask how we’re doing?
Boundaries are not about shame; they’re about protecting what is precious. Good fences help love grow stronger, not weaker.
Debra Fileta writes:
“Healthy relationships are built on emotional and spiritual intimacy first, not physical intimacy. When we reverse that order, everything gets blurry.”
— Debra Fileta, True Love Dates (paraphrased)
3. Singleness: A Full and Honored Vocation
The church has often implied, sometimes unintentionally, that the “real” adults are married. Scripture does not say this.
Jesus—fully human, fully flourishing—was single. So was Paul.
“I wish that all were as I myself am… To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.”
(1 Corinthians 7:7–8)
Singleness is:
- Not a waiting room for “real life”
- A genuine calling in which one can be fully fruitful
- Often a season of unique freedom for service and focus (1 Corinthians 7:32–35)
Sam Allberry, a single pastor, says:
“If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency.”
— Sam Allberry, 7 Myths About Singleness
Churches must:
- Honor singles as full family members, not “projects” to be married off
- Create community where no one is left to carry life alone
- Listen to and learn from the faithfulness of single believers
4. Healing from Sexual Sin, Trauma, or Regret
For many, conversations about sexuality bring up:
- Past choices: affairs, hookups, porn use, abortion, “going too far”
- Experiences of being sinned against: harassment, assault, abuse
- A heavy mix of guilt, shame, confusion, and grief
For those burdened by their own sins
Sexual sin is serious—but not beyond the reach of Christ’s blood.
“Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? … such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
(1 Corinthians 6:9–11)
Notice: “such were some of you”—past tense. In Christ, your deepest identity is no longer “adulterer,” “porn addict,” “promiscuous,” or “unclean.” It is washed, sanctified, justified.
Confession and repentance mean:
- Naming sin clearly before God (Psalm 51)
- Turning from it with the help of others
- Resting in Christ’s finished work, not your own penance
Jerry Bridges reminds us:
“Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God’s grace, and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God’s grace.”
— Jerry Bridges, The Discipline of Grace
For those who carry wounds from others’ sin
If you have been abused, coerced, or assaulted, Scripture is clear: what happened to you was evil, and God has deep compassion.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
(Psalm 34:18)
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
(Psalm 147:3)
Sexual trauma often brings shame and confusion, even though the victim is not guilty. Diane Langberg, a Christian psychologist, notes:
“The trauma victim often feels defiled, ashamed, and responsible, even when they did nothing wrong. The path to healing involves hearing a louder, truer voice than the voice of shame.”
— Diane Langberg, Suffering and the Heart of God (paraphrased)
Healing may include:
- Gentle, long‑term Christian counseling
- Wise medical or psychological care
- Patient, safe Christian community
- Learning to hear and believe what God says, not what shame whispers
God’s goal is not to erase your story, but to redeem it, restore dignity, and walk with you step by step.
5. Sexual Orientation and Identity: Walking with Pastoral Sensitivity
Questions around same‑sex attraction, bisexuality, and gender identity are deeply personal and often painful. Many who wrestle with these feel:
- Afraid of rejection by the church
- Torn between desires and what they understand Scripture to say
- Unsure what obedience looks like day to day
Holding truth and compassion together
Scripture presents God’s design for sexual intimacy as:
- Between one man and one woman in marriage
- With all sexual behavior outside that covenant called to repentance (Romans 1:26–27; 1 Corinthians 6:9–11; Hebrews 13:4)
At the same time:
- Temptation itself is not sin; acting on it in thought or deed (indulging lust, fantasizing, pursuing relationships outside God’s design) is where sin occurs.
- Many believers experience ongoing same‑sex attraction and yet choose lives of faithfulness and chastity.
Sam Allberry writes, as a same‑sex attracted believer:
“The choice for me is not between homosexuality on the one hand and heterosexuality on the other, but between holiness and unholiness.”
— Sam Allberry, Is God Anti-Gay?
Pastoral care should:
- Listen before instructing
- Affirm the person’s dignity as an image‑bearer of God
- Speak clearly about God’s design while committing to walk alongside, not abandon
- Offer real community, not lonely “obedience in isolation”
Our identity must ultimately be grounded in Christ, not in any pattern of attraction—whether straight or gay.
6. Pornography and Hookup Culture: Formation, Not Just Behavior
Porn and casual sex are not just “things people do”; they shape who we are.
What porn and hookups do to the heart
Jesus says:
“Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
(Matthew 5:28)
Porn and hookup culture:
- Train us to consume people, not love them
- Teach us to expect constant novelty, making real covenant love seem dull
- Form habits of secrecy, impulsivity, and self‑centeredness
- Numb us to the dignity of others and to our own capacity for real intimacy
Christopher West has observed (about pornography):
“Porn doesn’t show too much; it shows too little. It doesn’t reveal the person; it flattens them into an object of use.”
— Christopher West (paraphrased)
Freedom is possible—but usually not quick or solo
Breaking free often involves:
- Serious repentance and a change of mindset
- Practical measures: filters, accountability software, device changes, routines
- Honest confession to trusted believers or mentors
- Sometimes professional counseling, especially when porn use connects to deeper trauma, anxiety, or depression
Hebrews 12:1–2 invites us:
“…lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and… run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus…”
The focus is not only on what we stop, but on whom we turn toward—Christ Himself, and healthier patterns of life and relationships.
7. Creating Safe Spaces for Honest Conversation in the Church
Many Christians feel church is the last place they can be honest about sexual struggles. That must change.
A gospel‑shaped community will be:
- Clear about God’s design and commands
- Compassionate toward the sexually broken (which is all of us, to some degree)
- Safe enough for confession without fear of gossip or instant condemnation
- Serious about genuine repentance and growth, not cheap grace
Ray Ortlund describes a gospel culture as:
“A place where it’s safe to be honest about your sin because the gospel is believed and applied, and where no one is beyond the reach of grace.”
— Ray Ortlund, The Gospel (paraphrased)
Practically, this might look like:
- Pastors and leaders speaking honestly (and humbly) about sexual issues
- Small groups where confession and prayer are normal, not shocking
- Segmented groups or ministries for specific struggles (porn, same‑sex attraction, trauma recovery) led by trustworthy, trained people
- A refusal to reduce anyone to “their issue”—seeing each person as an image‑bearer, sibling in Christ, and complex human being
The church should be the safest place on earth to bring sexual brokenness into the light, because Jesus loves to meet sinners there.
8. Recommended Christian Books for Further Study
On sexuality, marriage, and singleness
- Timothy Keller – The Meaning of Marriage
Rich, biblical teaching on marriage, singleness, and covenant love. - Christopher Ash – Married for God
Clear, concise exploration of God’s purpose for marriage and sex. - Sam Allberry – 7 Myths About Singleness
Encouraging and practical look at singleness as a positive calling.
On sexual integrity, dating, and relationships
- Debra Fileta – True Love Dates
A wise, Christ‑centered approach to dating and emotional health. - Ben Stuart – Single, Dating, Engaged, Married
Biblical guidance for each season of relationship. - Ken and Trisha Laing (eds.) – various Harvest USA resources
Helpful booklets and studies on sexual struggles from a gospel perspective.
On sexual brokenness, abuse, and healing
- Diane Langberg – Suffering and the Heart of God
Deep, compassionate help for those wounded by abuse or trauma. - David Powlison – Making All Things New: Restoring Joy to the Sexually Broken
Pastoral and hopeful overview of how Christ meets us in sexual brokenness. - Edward T. Welch – A Small Book about a Big Problem and Shame Interrupted
Helpful for dealing with shame, desires, and difficult emotions.
On sexuality and same‑sex attraction
- Sam Allberry – Is God Anti‑Gay?
Short, clear, and very pastoral. - Wesley Hill – Washed and Waiting
A personal and theological reflection on living celibate with same‑sex attraction.
A Pastoral Prayer for Those Wrestling with Sexuality and Relationships
Lord Jesus,
You see every hidden struggle, every regret, every longing,
every confusion about identity, desire, and love.Thank You that You are not shocked by us,
and that You came not for the healthy, but for the sick.For those trapped in shame, speak Your cleansing word: “You are washed.”
For those wounded by others’ sins, bind up their broken hearts.
For those confused or hurting over their attractions or identity,
surround them with wise, gentle companions and clear truth.Teach us to honor Your design for sex and marriage.
Help us to live with integrity in dating, engagement, marriage, and singleness.
Make our churches places of honesty, safety, and real change.Above all, root our identity not in our sexuality,
but in You—our Savior, our Bridegroom, our true love.In Your holy and compassionate name, Amen.
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