Few things weigh on the heart like broken relationships.
You might be:
- Avoiding someone at church, work, or in your own home
- Replaying a conversation in your head, thinking of what you should have said
- Unsure whether to confront, forgive, set boundaries, or simply walk away
You are not alone, and Scripture does not leave you to guess. God cares deeply about how His children handle conflict. This is for you if you’re longing for peace, but also want to be faithful.
We’ll walk through:
- Biblical principles for addressing conflict (Matthew 18, Romans 12)
- Heart checks before confrontation: motives, logs vs. specks
- Practical steps for hard conversations and active listening
- The role of confession, repentance, and restitution
- Boundaries and when reconciliation is limited or unsafe
- Involving mediators or church leadership appropriately
- Living in peace even when full reconciliation is not possible
- Recommended Christian books for further study
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1. Biblical Principles for Addressing Conflict
God’s heart: peace rooted in truth and love
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
(Romans 12:18)
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”
(Matthew 5:9)
Peace in Scripture isn’t just “no more arguing.” It’s:
- Honesty instead of pretending
- Love instead of apathy or revenge
- Holiness instead of hiding sin
Jesus’ pattern in Matthew 18
Jesus gives a basic pattern when a brother or sister sins against you:
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you…
If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church…”
(Matthew 18:15–17)
Key principles:
- Go to the person (not everyone else first).
- Start privately, honoring their dignity.
- If needed, gradually involve others for help and accountability.
- The goal is to gain your brother/sister, not to win an argument.
Ken Sande summarizes biblical peacemaking as:
“Glorify God, get the log out of your own eye, gently restore, and go and be reconciled.”
— Ken Sande, The Peacemaker (paraphrased)
2. Heart Checks Before Confrontation: Logs and Specks
Before we move toward someone else, Jesus calls us to look inward.
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? … First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”
(Matthew 7:3–5)
Questions to ask yourself
- What do I want most right now?
- To honor Christ and love this person?
- Or to be right, to punish, to control, to win?
- Have I contributed to this conflict in any way?
- Even if their sin is larger, is there anything I need to confess?
- Am I assuming motives I can’t see?
- “They meant to…” or “They don’t care…”
- We can see actions, but only God sees the heart (1 Samuel 16:7).
- Am I praying for them?
- It’s hard to hate someone you earnestly bring before the Lord.
David Powlison wrote:
“Conflict always reveals what we are worshiping. When you feel sinned against or misunderstood, what do you demand, cling to, or fear losing?”
— David Powlison (paraphrased)
Honest heart work doesn’t mean you ignore their sin; it means you go in humility, not self-righteousness.
3. Practical Steps for Hard Conversations and Active Listening
Before the conversation
- Pray: Ask for a soft heart, clear words, and a listening ear.
- Clarify: Write down what specifically happened and why it hurts or concerns you.
- Choose the right time and place: As private and unhurried as possible.
- Aim: Go in with the goal to understand and restore, not to unload.
During the conversation
You might open with something like:
- “I value our relationship, and because of that, I want to talk about something that’s been weighing on me.”
- “I may not see everything clearly, but can I share how I experienced [situation]?”
Use “I” statements rather than accusations:
- “When you said/did ___, I felt ___.”
- Avoid: “You always… You never… You clearly…”
Practice active listening:
- Let them respond without interrupting.
- Reflect back what you heard:
- “So what I hear you saying is…”
- “Did I get that right?”
- Ask clarifying questions:
- “Can you help me understand what you meant when you said…?”
James 1:19 calls us to:
“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”
Handling defensiveness
If they become defensive:
- Stay calm: lower your voice instead of raising it.
- Reaffirm: “I’m not against you. I’m for our relationship and for honoring Christ.”
- If needed, suggest a pause:
- “This feels heated. Could we pause and pray, or take some time and come back to this?”
Not every first conversation resolves everything. Sometimes it’s one step in a longer process.
4. Confession, Repentance, and Restitution
Healthy reconciliation is not built on “Let’s just forget it” but on truth and grace.
When you are the one who sinned
True confession sounds like:
- “I was wrong when I __.”
- “I sinned against you by __.”
- “I’m sorry” without blame-shifting, excuses, or “if you were offended.”
Avoid:
- “I’m sorry you felt hurt.” (That shifts blame to their feelings.)
- “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t…” (That justifies sin.)
Scripture calls us to:
“Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
(James 5:16)
Repentance means:
- A change of mind and direction
- Owning the pattern, not just the incident
- A willingness to seek help if needed (counseling, accountability)
Restitution: Making it right where possible
Zacchaeus, after meeting Jesus, said:
“If I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold.”
(Luke 19:8)
Where your sin has caused practical harm, love will ask:
- Is there something I can restore?
- Do I need to publicly correct a lie or slander?
- Can I rebuild trust through consistent, humble actions over time?
Restitution doesn’t buy forgiveness, but it expresses sincere repentance and care for the one you hurt.
5. Boundaries and When Reconciliation Is Limited or Unsafe
Sometimes the word “reconciliation” has been misused to pressure victims of abuse, manipulation, or ongoing harm to stay in dangerous situations. This is not biblical peacemaking.
God’s heart protects the vulnerable
“Deliver me, O Lord, from evil men; preserve me from violent men.”
(Psalm 140:1)
“Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.”
(Psalm 82:4)
Protecting yourself or your children from harm can be a righteous response, not a lack of forgiveness.
Diane Langberg writes:
“Forgiveness does not negate wisdom. To forgive someone does not mean you must again subject yourself to their abuse.”
— Diane Langberg (paraphrased)
When boundaries are necessary
Boundaries may be needed when:
- There is ongoing, unrepentant sin (abuse, addiction, chronic lying, financial exploitation, etc.).
- The other person refuses to respect basic safety or sanity.
- There is a pattern of using “forgiveness” language to quickly reset, with no real change.
Boundaries can include:
- Limiting contact (or going no-contact in severe cases).
- Involving civil authorities when laws have been broken (Romans 13:1–4).
- Requiring counseling, accountability, or treatment before trust is rebuilt.
Forgiveness, in such cases, may mean:
- Releasing personal revenge to God (Romans 12:19)
- Praying for their repentance
- Refusing to nourish hatred in your own heart
…but still keeping distance for the sake of wisdom and safety.
6. Involving Mediators or Church Leadership
Sometimes conflict is too complex or intense to handle alone.
When to involve others
Matthew 18 suggests involving one or two others when:
- You’ve tried to speak privately and hit a wall.
- Communication keeps going in circles.
- There are serious accusations and both sides struggle to listen.
In a church context, this might mean:
- A pastor, elder, or mature small-group leader
- A trusted Christian counselor
- A trained, neutral mediator if available
Ken Sande emphasizes:
“The goal of involving others is not to gang up on someone, but to gain help in understanding, accountability, and restoration.”
— Ken Sande (paraphrased)
When to involve church discipline
If someone:
- Professes faith
- Persists in clear, serious sin
- Refuses private appeals
…then involving church leadership may lead to formal church discipline (Matthew 18:17; 1 Corinthians 5). The purpose is:
- To protect others
- To call the sinner to repentance
- To honor Christ’s name
This step should be taken soberly, prayerfully, and in love, not with a spirit of vengeance.
7. Living in Peace When Full Reconciliation Isn’t Possible
Sometimes, despite your best efforts:
- The other person remains hardened or distant.
- The relationship can’t go back to what it was.
- Death, distance, or ongoing danger make full restoration impossible.
What then?
“So far as it depends on you…”
Again, Romans 12:18:
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
Notice:
- “If possible…” – Sometimes it isn’t.
- “So far as it depends on you…” – You are responsible for your side, not theirs.
You can:
- Examine your heart and repent where needed.
- Offer genuine forgiveness, even if not received.
- Set wise boundaries where necessary.
- Continue to pray for them.
- Refuse to nurse bitterness, bringing it to the Lord again and again.
Tim Keller often said:
“Forgiveness means absorbing the cost of the wrong within yourself and refusing to make the other person pay. It does not always mean the relationship will be restored to what it was.”
— Timothy Keller (paraphrased from The Reason for God and sermons)
In unresolved situations, peace may look like:
- An internal steadiness that you have done what you can before God
- A refusal to define yourself by this conflict
- A quiet trust that God will one day right every wrong (Revelation 21:4–5)
8. Recommended Christian Books on Conflict and Reconciliation
On biblical peacemaking and conflict
- Ken Sande – The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
A thorough, practical guide rooted in Scripture; highly recommended. - Ken Sande & Kevin Johnson – Resolving Everyday Conflict
A shorter, more accessible version of the peacemaking principles. - Chris Brauns – Unpacking Forgiveness
Thoughtful, biblical teaching on what forgiveness is (and isn’t).
On relationships, emotions, and the heart
- David Powlison – Good and Angry
Helps you understand how anger works and how God can change it. - Edward T. Welch – A Small Book about a Big Problem
50 short devotions on anger, patience, and peace.
On boundaries and safety
- Diane Langberg – Suffering and the Heart of God
Essential reading on trauma, abuse, and wise, compassionate care. - Henry Cloud & John Townsend – Boundaries
Practical guidance (from a Christian perspective) on when to say yes and no in relationships.
A Pastoral Prayer for Those in Conflict
Lord Jesus,
You are the Good Shepherd who walked into our conflict with God
and made peace by the blood of Your cross.You see the tensions, the broken words, the walls that have gone up.
You know the hurt, the fear, and the confusion.For the one reading this, grant wisdom to know when to speak
and when to be silent,
when to pursue and when to step back,
when to set boundaries and when to take risks in love.Expose pride, self-righteousness, and hidden bitterness.
Soften hard hearts—ours and theirs.Protect the vulnerable from further harm.
Give courage to tell the truth and to hear the truth.Where reconciliation is possible, please restore.
Where it is not, grant a deep peace rooted in Your justice and Your love.Teach us to forgive as we have been forgiven
and to trust that You will one day make all things new.In Your reconciling name, Amen.
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